Spitballs
SPITBALLS
a short skit by Lee Strauss
Scene One
The lights come up on THE ANNOUNCER, and, somewhat behind him and to his left, the three PANELISTS.
Announcer: Welcome to Spitballs, the fast-paced interview show dedicated to keeping us all better informed in this fast-paced world of ours. Today, our topic is "Jobs of the Future."
(His voice becomes solemn, thoughtful)
Everyone of us is curious and, eh-hem, even a little apprehensive about what sorts of futures our fast-changing society is bringing us. What will we be doing ten, twenty, a hundred years from now? What will there be left to do?
(Laughs)
Ha ha, just a little joke. But seriously folks, we are all concerned about this highly important issue, and today we've brought to our studios three people whose jobs reflect our changing times.
(Smiling, he turns toward the panel)
Perhaps they will share a bit of themselves with us, and, in the process, help us to see a bit into our own futures.
Panelist Number One (A Man): Well, I don't mind telling you. I've never had a better job.
Announcer (Indulgently): And what is it that you do, sir?
Panelist Number One: I'm a noise polluter.
Announcer (coughs, checks his card): A noise polluter?
Panelist Number One: Yeah.
Announcer: Uh, could you?…
Panelist Number One: Sure… For example, the morning you don't have to get up at 7:00… you get to sleep till 9:00… I'm the guy who makes the noise at 7: 30 that wakes you up.
Announcer (a little unsure): I see…
Panelist Number One (off and running): It can be anything I dream up. Of course my favorite is still the buzz saw. Nothing like a good old buzz saw.
Announcer: Now let me get this straight. Your job is to… Come to my house at 7:30 in the morning and…
Panelist Number One: Oh, it can be any time. Another good time is what I like to call dinner-party time – you know, between seven and nine at night – that's the one time most people have to get together and have some fun, eating or drinking… you know. My favorite noise for that hour is the garbage truck… (chuckles)
Announcer: You mean you…
Panelist Number One: Oh, but I got a million of 'em now. I really surprised myself… what a fast learner I was. Rock 'n roll music with no melody can be good when people are trying to concentrate. It doesn't even have to be very loud. It drives them bananas!
Announcer: Now, wait a minute. You mean you just go around with saws and trucks and…
Panelist Number One (smiling, holding out his hands palms forward, fingers up, and shaking his head benevolently): Oh, no no, no. At the beginning, perhaps, I actually carried a real buzz saw out on a few jobs. But now that kind of stuff is for amateurs; you know, for kids who need a little extra thrill just to bring them into the business. (Confidingly) I do most of my work with the android and loudspeaker.
Announcer: I see…
Panelist Number Two (A Man With a Slight Foreign Accent): Very interesting.
Announcer (somewhat relieved at the interruption): And could you tell us what you do, sir?
Panelist Number Two (soberly, rather proudly): I'm an international terrorist.
Announcer (a bit crestfallen): Uh-huh.
Panelist Number One (deprecating in tone and gesture): Aah!
Panelist Number Two (oblivious, sober, and proud): Would you like to hear?
Announcer (nervous, saccharine): Ha, ha, that's what we're here for.
Panelist Number Two: Of course, you know most of it already – bombs going off, vicious attacks by machine guns…
Announcer (still nervous, trying to be helpful): Hijackings?…
Panelist Number Two (nodding, a bit bored): Yes.
(THE ANNOUNCER is a bit at a loss for words.)
Panelist Number One: Ha, ha, I guess you get to travel quite a bit?
Panelist Number Two (still soberly, but with satisfaction): Yes, quite a bit. (Then, when he can clearly see everyone else is tongue-tied, he continues in tones that just hint of pained indulgence.) Our job is not so easy is yours… (he indicates Panelist Number One)… since it involves the, uh, hands-on execution of, uh… (he pauses discreetly)… and no one but fools and fanatics enjoy that sort of thing… (sighs). So, much of the work has come to involve finding personnel willing to risk their lives to blow other people up, and so forth.…(In particularly pained tones): At the moment, this means associating with various radical political and religious groups around the world.
Announcer: Wait a minute. You mean…
Panelist Number Two (anticipating, shaking his head): I have no such bone to pick myself. (A bit modestly) I'm just a simple terrorist. It's my job. (Then, confidingly) I like terrorism (briefly breaks into a sheepish grin).
Everyone is looking at PANELIST NUMBER TWO, aghast.
Announcer (rather desperately, to shift the focus, voice cracking, to Panelist Number Three): And you, miss?…
Panelist Number Three, A Woman (combatively, but in a knee-jerk way): Ms.! (Then as if catching herself, she grins) But you can call me Lucy.
Announcer (basically "out of it" now, but nonetheless obviously relieved to be past Panelist Number Two, continues with exaggerated enthusiasm): Well, Lucy, and what do you do?
Panelist Number Three (hard to tell whether she's being vague or secretive) Well, uh, I don't know, but, uh… (smiles suddenly)… I sure do get around.
Announcer (indulgently, but with no further notion of salvaging the show): I'm sure you do…
Panelist Number Three (honestly perplexed) It's just that my job is harder to describe than the others… (she indicates the other panelists)… but… (gaily)… its a lot of fun. (Perplexed again) It's just hard to describe. (Deliberates while the others wait expectantly) Well, for example, I'm a feminist.
Announcer: Well, that's not so…
Panelist Number Three: But, I'm a hardliner when it comes to children and religion. On the other hand, I do favor a nuclear freeze…
Announcer (in "isn't that fine" tones) Well…
Panelist Number Three: But, I support the SPCA, NAACP, FDA, FBI, CIA, NBC – although I think the media may be the end of us someday – Rupert Murdoch: I think he has every right to acquire as many TV stations as he wants –
Announcer: Wait a minute. I'm not sure we follow…
Panelist Number Three (oblivious now): Euthanasia, famine, Puerto Rican statehood, the death sentence, Mother's Day…
Announcer: Miss!…
Panelist Number Three (knee-jerk, laughing) Ms.!
Announcer (to everybody and anybody): I'm afraid were out of time.
Sound of "audience" heard offstage: Yea!
Voice of THE PRODUCER of the show (From offstage, authoritative, yet somehow rather plaintive): As the producer of the show, I feel I'm entitled to ask you people just one more question before you go.
The Three Panelists in Unison: Yes?
THE PRODUCER (still plaintive, even a bit whiny) Just what is it that you do? I mean, what purpose do you serve? You obviously enjoy yourselves, but how are you helping us? I don't see…
Voices of the Three Panelists Variously: Oh, no, we're helping, we're helping… we're performing a valuable service… we're very necessary (etc.)
THE PRODUCER (inquisitorial): So what is it you do?
Each Panelist, after a Moment's Thought:
Panelist Number One: I make people angry.
Panelist Number Two: I scare people.
Panelist Number Three: I confuse people.
THE PRODUCER (flabbergasted): And this changes things?
The Three Panelists in Unison (merrily): Oh, no, it keeps everything the same.
BLACKOUT
Lee Strauss (Copyright @ 2018)